The REAL Woman's Guide To Getting a Good Night's Sleep

 
Many people suffer the occasional bout of insomnia. I am one of them.  I am fortunate though, that it happens for me very rarely.
Many studies have been conducted and articles written on the subject of how to combat simple sleep trouble. The tips provided are well documented and many actually work. BUT…I have developed my own list of tips for insomnia.  Many, many years of casual “research” have gone into this project, and I have a long list of women friends who have unknowingly contributed to my study (I will not name them, because I don’t want to pay them…love ‘em to death, but money is money, so…).  That said, following is a lighthearted, non-scientific, poorly proven and potentially dangerous guide for the average woman to get the rest she needs to get through her day.
 
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SMALL CHILDREN
Find some children, but be sure to ask first if they don’t belong to you.  Make certain that they are under the age of 6 and the more of them the better.  Children have an innate ability to make messes, damage possessions, terrorize pets and throw a general fall on the floor hissy fit for absolutely no reason whatsoever.  Follow these little fellows around for at least a couple of hours close to bedtime and I can almost guarantee that by the time you get them to bed, you will drop into your own and be out before the first one yells “I need a drink of water”.  Here’s a tip:  If your insomnia is REALLY bad, include a meal into your “playtime”. You will get the double bonus of having to scrape mac and cheese off of the floor/table/wall AND you get to give them a bath!
 
GET A PUPPY
Not just any puppy…a BIG puppy.  I myself, have opted for a German Shepherd with separation anxiety.  Between feedings, rescuing the cat, taking inventory of the shoes with minimal chew damage that might still be worn, not to mention potty breaks, sweeping up massive amounts of hair, and repeating the phrases “NO!” “DROP IT!” and “LEAVE HIM ALONE” at least 50 times a day, the puppy will be just the remedy you need to fall asleep from sheer exhaustion…as soon as you can get HIM to fall asleep in his own bed.  Warning…whining will ensue.  Maybe his, maybe yours…it can go either way. 
 
GET OLD
Nothing, and I mean NOTHING will help you fall asleep faster than getting old.  You will fall asleep in front of the television, at your desk, in the doctor’s office, at the movies, talking to your husband.  It really doesn’t matter.  I used to believe that this was the body’s defense mechanism to prevent me from having to deal with bad TV, paperwork, pap smears and Adam Sandler movies, but it really wasn’t. I was just “old”.  The experts say not to take naps.  Yeah, right.  If you’re old and you wanna take a nap, then take a nap.  I doubt very seriously if it is going to prevent you from sleeping when bedtime rolls around.   If it does, then just limit your naps to two a day.
 
 HATE YOUR JOB
There is precious little that is more satisfying than lying in bed at night thinking about how to quit your job.  If done correctly, you will lull yourself to sleep fantasizing about ways to resign, and the number of dastardly evils that you hope will befall those who made you hate it in the first place.  Bosses, co-workers, traffic…Don’t limit yourself.  Dream BIG – think lottery.  As they say, “somebody’s gotta win, why not you?’  By combining these two fantasies – telling management to “shove it” and being financially secure enough to do so, you will soon be hugging your pillow and reminding yourself to check those numbers tomorrow.
 
INVITE FRIENDS/FAMILY TO YOUR HOME
This is a no brainer. After cleaning, shopping, cooking, decorating and worrying whether Uncle Bob is going to share his political opinions that will tick off half your guests, you will soon be silently praying for these people to please just go home so you can curl up and forget why you invited this many people to your home in the first place.  Try your best to clean up as much as possible before you hit the hay, so you won’t lie there thinking about the sorry individual who ground that cheese puff into your carpet..and…just…walked…away.
 
GET A FAN  (NOT A FANATIC – AN ELECTRIC FAN)
Turn off the lights, turn on the fan and pretend it’s the ocean waves at low tide.  Seriously, you have a job, a family, a mortgage and pets.  Do you think you can just pack up and go to the ocean?  Silly woman.  This is the next best thing, though. No…I don’t buy it either, but I gave it a shot.
And Finally:
WINE
I don’t think there is really much that needs to be explained here.
 
As I stated very firmly at the beginning of this post.  These are merely fun little musings and not to be taken as gospel to resolve your insomnia.  If you truly have that problem, talk with your physician and let him make some REAL suggestions that might work for you.
 
I wish you peace, tranquility and 8 hours of restful sleep.